A few years ago I introduced, for the first time, my mother to my now wife Krisha. Krisha and I had known each other for a very short period of time and as my mother was leaving she took Krisha aside, gave her a hug and said to her “Take good care of my boy. He’ll never know how proud I am of him and how much I love him.” My wife was very moved by this intimacy though it seemed a bit soon. My mother was in the best health she had been in for a while and we were all very excited to be living a few miles from each other for the first time in twenty years. There was so much to look forward to.

A few days later she died. She went to sleep and never woke up.

There’s just no explaining to anyone what it is like for a man to lose his mother. It may be similar to that of a women losing her mother or father but I’ll never know. What I can tell you is this: The world is completely different. It’s like a version of the old world but it’s different. Every man I have every spoken to who has lost his mother knows exactly what I mean but none of us can actually put it in words.

You can’t call them anymore and the things you just know they would be so moved, tickled and pleased at remain pretty much left unshared. Nobody knew me like my mother and no one will ever come any where close to being as huge of a guiding and nurturing presence in my life as my Mom was and continues to be today. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t catch myself thinking of how grateful I am to have had such a great mother nor is there a day that I don’t ache with some strand of pain that her and my son never got a chance to meet. I’m crying as I write this and my son senses my sadness and hurries over to lay his head on my left arm and pat me with love.

After my Mom died I changed the complete structure of my business and its intent so that I could do my best to help people, parents in particular, do the things they need to do in order to prolong and improve the later part of their lives. Man, what I would give for just a couple extra years so my Mom and son could meet. There is no reason outside of bad exercise and eating decisions that my Mother died in her sixties. There is nothing you can do for your children and loved ones that would be a greater gift to them than keeping yourself healthy and around for the twilight of your life. My son is missing out on a grandmother that would have been to him something like he will never have the chance now to experience in his life.

Although it’s been nearly four years now since my mother passed away I still wake up some nights having had dreams about how sad I am at her passing. In my dreams I am crying so deeply and my heart is so heavy that the experience is just too emotional for me to remain sleeping. I wake up and to this day I’m still overwhelmed and saddened at the degree of difference in the quality of my life without her versus one where she was still able to be in it and sharing our lives. It’s astounding trying to express the depth of the loss—like trying to express the literal meaning of a “light year”, much less “thousands of light years.”

For the first two years after her passing, every night I would sob uncontrollably while laying in bed next to my wife. Often even after I would get to sleep I would awake and begin the process again. As far as I can tell this is not something you can every really cry out. It’s always sad. The hole can be filled or alleviated to some degree by adding new love to your life, as my son did for me, but the ache of the loss remains much the same as does the reality that life would be fuller were she still here. The third year of her absence brought my son, Duke, and a whole another level of missing her arose with the sadness around things we would all not be able to share as a family.

The thing to get out of this that I try to express to my forty and fifty year old clients daily is that one day if not now you are going to be that person that makes such a huge degree of difference in the quality of the lives of those you love. It’s nice to be left some dough. But there is nothing even close to the value of just continuing to be here on earth and in our lives. That is the greatest gift to, and most appreciated by, loved ones.

It goes without saying that my heart goes out to Daniel Negreanu and all others in his type of situation and that it is truly inspiring to over the years see what a kind, loving and proud-of-him Mom he is blessed with being born into. My prayers are with you all.

Thanks for reading.