The highlight of my main event this year was Wayne Newton and the girls of Jubilee kicking off day 1. Seriously. The six hours I lasted were some of the most painful, pathetic moments in my poker life! Here’s how it all began…

My starting table was not just a bunch of random amateurs, as I had Jon “Pearljammer” Turner and Chris Reslock to my immediate left. It was nice to meet and play with both, but no so great for stealing any blinds. The day started out with what would be my theme of this tournament – a steady downhill. I never got above the 20k starting stack and I’m pretty sure I won about four hands all day. I kept getting troublesome and marginal hands like QJ, KQ suited, small pairs, etc. and had to see the flop, but whiffed EVERY time. These types of hands end up costing a lot of chips if you never connect and I that’s exactly how I lost a quarter of my stack by the first break. Weeeeeeeee!

When I returned from the first break it was basically more of the same. No big pairs, no flopped sets, NADA. This happens all the time in tournaments and you just need to ride it out and try to keep enough chips and keep enough faith that the good cards are coming. Well, I tried to stay afloat, but was down to 7k right before the dinner break when the following hand left me crippled. I was in the big blind for 300 when it was folded to the small blind who moved all in for approximately 4k. I called with KQ and lost to his fives. Boo. L This left me extremely short with only 3k.

I went for sushi with Maya Antonious, David and my Dad and returned to the RIO ready to make my comeback. The blinds were 150-300 with a 25 ante so I quickly needed to make some magic happen with my puny 3k. Well, magic it was, as FINALLY, the very first hand after dinner I picked up aces for the first time! There was a limper in front so I also limped, as did Pearljammer in the small blind, and Chris Reslock checked the big blind. It’s been so long I don’t remember the exact details, other than the fact that I flopped a set of aces! Yahoo! It checked around on the flop and Chris Reslock bet 1k on the turn and the original limper called and I shipped it all in. Chris called and I won my third pot of the day! I was of course, ecstatic to have a whopping 8k in chips as our table broke and I skipped off to my new table.

As we all know, the main event is really a circus and I had been followed much of the day by an ESPN camera crew. Pearljammer had made mention of it, since every time I got involved in a hand the camera was there and a giant microphone would drop right in front of me! (As a side note, I’ve decided that if they hound me again next year every time they put the boom mike in front of me I will immediately start beat boxing!) Anyway, Jon commented on how annoying it must be, to which I totally agreed because it really can be a huge distraction. OK, whatever, but this is pertinent to the rest of the story…

I arrived with camera crew in tow to my next table which looked great, since it was all amateurs. I had visions of total domination with my newly acquired 8k! So, as I was perusing my new opponents and their stacks I noted that there were two other women at the table, one of whom immediately began giving me the stink eye. I, of course, merely smiled back and started getting situated in my new seat, which was right by the rail. It was then that the guy to my right said something about the cameras following me and I mentioned that “yeah, it’s annoying”. Well, the aforementioned woman (the one giving me the evil eye) also took note of the camera crew and immediately took off her jacket (we all know how cold it can get in the Amazon room) to showcase her “talents” in a teeny, tiny tank top with nothing on underneath. I was actually slightly amused at her obvious camera lust, but at this point had no problem with her. (I mean, how could I of all people, judge anyone for showing off their cleavage?!?) I did, however, nickname her (only in my head) “Tits McGee” just for my own personal giggle…

So, pectorals aside, I set about in my quest for another double up and started observing the tendencies of my new table. In doing so, I noticed that at blinds of 200-400, Tits liked to raise to 3k. Lol. I got blinded down to about 6k-ish when I picked up AK suited under the gun. With my stack size I think open shoving is a much better play (duh), but I noticed the guy to my left fiddling with his chips (which is something he had been doing prior to raising a pot) so I made it 1100 hoping to get reraised. I actually hate my play here; if I really believed the guy was going to raise, I wish I would have just limp/re-raised, which is something I like to do at an aggressive table (this table was not aggressive), but aside from thinking that the guy was coming in with a raise, I had no reason not to shove. OK, all that aside, I merely raised to 1100 and Tits McGee called me from the big blind. The flop came J-10-6 rainbow, giving me two overs, a gut-shot, and a backdoor flush. I mean, it wasn’t exactly a dream flop, but with 40% I’m not folding – especially when she was first to act and just bet me all in. So I called, only be a little behind to her 6-7 of hearts. I, of course, hit my king on the river – ship it! Here’s where things got interesting…

The other woman at the table says “Nice hand” to me and this sends Tits into a tizzy. She starts squawking “Whaddya mean nice hand?! She just got LUCKY! That wasn’t a NICE HAND! How could she call on the flop?!” Blah, blah, blah… I couldn’t hide my amusement at her rant and PokerNews captured my picture as I was laughing. (Also note the sweet Bob Marley tee-shirt.)

Tits McGee was totally on tilt and donked off some chips on the very next hand, all the while muttering things about me under her breasts, I mean breath. I was truly entertained by her antics and super excited to have enough chips to shuffle.

It was right around this time that I started hearing a commotion on the rail. Some drunken Asian woman was shouting something unintelligible. And then Ms. McGee got up and started talking @#$% about me to the drunk Asian (whom I nicknamed “Draisan”, again for my own personal giggle). At this point, I was still more amused than anything else, and it seemed very fitting that Draisan was railbirding Tits McGee.

The incessant yelling from Draisan was starting to get old, but I just turned up my iPod and waited. And waited. I went completely card dead and was back to a super short stack in no time. So, someone must have told Tits that it wasn’t too cool to raise 7x the big blind, so in the 200-400 level she was making it an appropriate 1200 – except every time she did so, she would announce “raise to 1200”, but throw out 3k in chips. She did this over and over and it was truly hysterical. My patience, however, with her and her drunken friend was wearing thin. I was getting blinded away, and the pace of the table was the slowest I’d seen for a LONG time. This was because of a couple things, but it was mainly Tits slowing down the game. In her attempt for more attention/publicity she got out of her chair after every hand to either give one of the reporters her chip count, talk to Draisan, or just parade around the room. It was getting really old, as everyone knows that when you’re short on chips, it’s imperative to get in as many hands as possible. So, aside from being out of her seat nonstop, she also never remembered to put in her ante. This was really starting to irk me…

So when she was out of her seat, yet again talking to Draisan with her back to the table, two people had already folded and the dealer was like “Is this her hand?”. I informed him that it was, but the hand was dead (DUH) because she was out of her seat – AGAIN! She sat down and tried to take her hand and this was when I had to put my foot down. The stupid dealer just sat there with a dippy look on his face and I said “Call the floor”. Tits started shrieking “She can’t tell me what to do” and all kinds of other dumb stuff and finally the floor person came to the table. Somehow, I got the only floor person in the RIO who didn’t get the memo that the hand is dead if you’re not in your seat and let her play the hand. UGH.

So, Tits was really hating on me at this point, and I have to say, the feeling was mutual. I was just praying for some decent hands so I could chip up and bust her, but it was not meant to be… I never got anything even remotely playable and went out right before the end of the last level.

In conclusion, I must admit that as painful as this WSOP was, I’m really glad I got to sit next to someone so crass and obtuse. It just reminded me how grateful I am that: 1. My folks raised me with manners 2. I learned the rules of poker BEFORE I played a major tournament and 3. I began anger management therapy PRIOR to this event!